Clinical psychologist Emily Gordon maintains a private practice in Natick focusing on adolescents. She also volunteers at the Jewish Community Mental Health Initiative, where she’s run support groups since Oct. 7. As a Jewish therapist, her job has changed a great deal since then.
“People in the Jewish community are experiencing challenges with their mental health. Part of it is from the rise of antisemitism. Part of it is what’s happening in the world. And a lot of it, I think, is from feeling like the world has changed,” she reflects.
In the past, parents occasionally would call her for help and ask: “Are you a parent?” Now, some parents seek connection in a different, more revealing way. They wonder: “Are you Jewish?” she says.
“There’s a feeling that what Jewish people are experiencing in their world and with their mental health is not validated by people who don’t understand what it’s like to be Jewish right now,” she explains.
Amid a climate of antisemitism, here’s what she’s seeing in her practice—and how families can help kids cope.
What types of situations are you helping clients with right now?
Towns are having a rise in antisemitic incidents, and kids are feeling at risk. Parents are feeling stirred up. We’re seeing things in our social media feeds that are activating. Depending on what we went through in our own childhoods, our own family narratives around antisemitism, there’s a genetic storing of trauma. It’s activating us in all ways.
It’s important to validate and acknowledge that our emotions and nervous systems are heightened. They are on edge. There’s a reality to that. You can come to doubt your own experiences and feelings, and I think that the first challenge is to just validate that this is really hard, and we are feeling an edge, and it does lead to anxiety and feelings of not belonging and isolation and confusion and mistrust.
What are you hearing from kids in your practice about their feelings?
Some kids are saying they don’t want to be Jewish, or they’re disconnecting and isolating from activities that they were previously feeling comfortable in. I’m seeing it in schools where kids don’t really know who to trust. Kids are feeling unsure what they can write papers about and what they can write college essays about: Is this teacher going to be supportive? There’s a silo-ing—one side versus the other. I think, in general, there is a lack of ability to hold complexity over this situation.
Is there any room for optimism?
I think what’s so awesome and amazing is to see kids leaning into their Judaism, leaning into their communities. I think I’m seeing adults do it, too: They’re seeking out Jewish connections, spaces and rituals, and that’s really cool. I’m seeing voices that are speaking up and special connections and meaning being made.
How can parents support kids if they’re mentally fragile, too?
As parents, we have to work really hard to keep our own feelings separate. There are parents who are feeling activated and enraged. But we have to allow our kids to make their own choices and have their own feelings, and we have to help our kids think through how they want to cope and what choices they want to make: Do they want to go to their principal? Do they not want to go to the principal? Do they want to speak up to their friend? Do they not want to speak up to their friend? I fully believe that there are so many choices in terms of actions that people can take. There is no “right” action. It’s only a question of what is right for you.
What could action look like?
Sometimes, it means speaking up and saying to a friend: “Hey, when you said that, it really made me feel ‘X.’” Or, “There’s another side to that history.” And, sometimes, we choose not to speak up. We choose to just talk about it with friends or family who understand. Sometimes, we don’t want to be the squeaky wheel; sometimes, we just want to go to the soccer game and not have to worry about what somebody else is saying or not saying, or what they did in the classroom or didn’t do.
If a child does want to speak up but feels overwhelmed, how can a parent who’s also upset help out? What’s the script?
The script is separating the feelings from the action. First, identifying and validating that they’re entitled to any reactions and feelings that they’re having. Then, brainstorm with them. What are your choices in responding? One option would be to say something back to that kid, which could be how a comment made them feel. Another option is to give some education. Sometimes, we want to address the kid, and sometimes we want to talk to the teacher, or we want to talk to the principal. Your child might not feel comfortable doing that. And that has to come from your kid. You can ask: How will you feel if you don’t say something? Help them to think through.
As a therapist, I help kids think through the pros and cons: “What would it be like to speak up, and what would it be like not to speak up? How do you think that would make you feel, if you did or if you didn’t? Maybe you don’t feel strong enough now, but maybe you will again. Could you enlist a friend or a peer to go with you?”
Are there any warning signs that parents should be aware of? When does clinical treatment come into play?
The warning signs are anxiety and depression, or saying things like, “I don’t want to be Jewish,” or avoiding communities, activities or family traditions that were previously a source of joy or connection for our kids. Look for social isolation, withdrawal, self-directed hate, shame. The point of intervention is when it feels like it’s getting in the way, when it feels like your kid isn’t themselves anymore, when it feels like they’re struggling with school or don’t want to go to school. Those are the times that we want to intervene.
How so?
One of the things we can do is to try to build positive social Jewish connections, and it’s hard when your kid is already feeling shame. Studies have shown that a strong Jewish identity is both a protective factor for our kids and teens, and it also does put them at risk of further bullying.
But feeling a strong Jewish connection is protective against some negative mental health outcomes of antisemitism, because we do need relationships and spaces where we can feel connection to other Jewish kids. We can feel pride, we can feel joy, we can feel the positive effects that come from our rituals, our relationships, our community, our history. It’s so powerful. Whatever we can do to connect them to positive Jewish influences or organizations or activities is awesome.
Do you have any suggestions?
Moving Traditions. Jewish Teen Initiative. BamidBar. And a lot of middle schools, and definitely high schools, form Jewish affinity groups. Those are all great resources.
Any parting thoughts?
On one hand, I do feel like it’s a really difficult time to be a Jewish kid or teen. On the other hand, I think there’s a lot of strength and resilience and hope, and I think this is really affirming. Most importantly, this is a mental health issue—and it’s real.
